“Would you like some help out with your groceries today?”

This was the question that I was waiting for as I paid for my groceries. I was recovering from major surgery and had just started getting slowly back into my usual routines. I was under strict instructions to keep the walking to a minimum and definitely no heavy lifting. So, for the first time in my life, I needed help with getting my groceries into my car and today I planned to say “yes” when the clerk asked.  She didn’t ask.  Guess what I did next?  I pushed my cart out of the store and then proceeded to unpack the grocery bags, one item at a time, until the bag was light enough for me to lift. Then, I repacked the bags that were now in my car, one item at a time.

I’m not proud of this story but I am sharing it to make a point. The point is, it’s time for us to start asking for help. Most of us don’t ask for help – heck, most of us don’t even accept help when it’s offered. But not asking for or not accepting help is making life much harder than it needs to be (if life needs to be hard at all).  

I know, I know…I can hear you already….”but Deb, if I ask for help, I’ll look weak…I’ll lose my independence…it makes me vulnerable…then I’ll be indebted to them and what if I can’t pay them back…what if they say no….it’s faster if I do it myself…”  I have heard every excuse in the book about why you can’t/shouldn’t/won’t ask for help and here is what I have to say about each one:

“It takes a strong person to know when they need help and to ask for it.  We are not meant to be independent but rather interdependent – why do you think there are other people on the planet?? With all of these people on the planet, we need some way to connect and build relationships and we can’t build any deep or satisfying relationships without being vulnerable. People don’t help others just to get something in return, they help because it makes them feel good and lets them use their skills and strengths.  Wouldn’t you like to help others feel good? It’s pretty rare that someone would say no to helping you – don’t you usually help others when you are asked?  If they do say no, it’s not because you are a bad, weak or needy person, it’s because they just aren’t able to help.  In the long run most things take longer to do by yourself and require more energy so getting help will give you more time and energy that you can use to do something fun!”

I have more responses for anyone who feels uncomfortable asking for help but the main reason that most people don’t ask for help has to do with self worth and deserving. You are worthy and deserving of having an inspiring and joyful life and if you still think you have a good reason that you can’t ask for help, leave your below and I’ll help you see a different perspective!

It’s the start of a whole new year! It’s a clean slate that awaits your first mark – your intentions, desires, hopes, dreams and goals for the coming year.  It’s a time that is classically reserved for resolving that your life will be different this year – that you will lose the weight, get in shape, improve your relationships, get out of debt and get organized!  Phew…that’s quite a list!  

Does it sound familiar?  Do you find yourself making the same resolutions every year only to discover that you haven’t achieved them yet again by year’s end?  The resolutions I listed are among the top 10 most popular and at their essence, there is nothing wrong with them.  However, from my perspective, there is an implication that you are lacki ng in some way.  Instead of starting your year thinking that you have to “fix” yourself, why not consider that you are already perfect, whole and enough?  Instead of setting goals that require you to maintain a will of steel 24/7, why not engage the energy of joy and inspiration?  

I used to set resolutions with great enthusiasm and hope only to realize that a few months into the year I had strayed from my resolve.  This straying lead to beating myself up for lack of discipline, feeling like a failure and giving up on being able to have the life I wanted.  Whoo hoo…happy new year to me!! Then the day finally came when I realized that all of this beating up, struggling and not being enough was making me miserable.  That’s when I decided that I needed more joy in my life, not more hard work, more will power or more discipline.  

A more joyful way to begin the New Year emerged when I began choosing a theme for the year.  Last year my theme was The Incredible Lightness of Being and I had a year filled with lightness, joy and managed to lift an incredible weight off my shoulders.  I danced more, traveled more, spent more time with friends, make some delightful new friends, lightened my workload, reduced my obligations, lost some weight and improved my health.  Mission Accomplished!

This year my theme is Boldness of Being!  This theme thrills me and scares me at the same time which tells me there is good energy in this theme, energy that will fuel me all year long, not just for the first few months.  

I highly recommend that you try this approach.  Choose a theme for your year – a word or a phrase that makes your blood move, makes you a little bit uncomfortable and most importantly, that makes you giggle like a little child with a yummy secret!  

To make it even yummier, send me an email before January 31 with 2012 Theme in the message line, tell me your theme and I’ll enter your name in a draw for a deck of my Reconnect to Yourself Cards.  

What is your experience with New Year’s resolutions?  Do they work for you?  Does the thought of a theme change anything for you?  Share your thoughts with me on the blog.

Happy New Year!

I just realized one of my dreams!  A few weeks ago I finally made it to the Grand Canyon.  For most of my life I have wanted to visit this natural wonder and as I walked out the trees and stood on the rim of the canyon for the first time, I cried.  There were no words that could adequately describe the majesty of that view so rather than try to express myself with words, I shifted into the feeling of the moment.  Oh, what a feeling!  My body relaxed, my breathing slowed down, the weariness and tension of life began to fade away making room for joy and lightness to flow in.  I arrived at the Grand Canyon feeling drained and tired and even though we walked for several miles that day, I left feeling rejuvenated and replenished.  I felt expansive!

What expands your energy?  What rejuvenates you and fills you up so that even when you are physically tired, you feel like you could go on forever?  Do you pay attention to what gives you energy and to what drains your energy?  The best way that I know of to answer these questions is to become present with your body.  Most of us (me included) spend our time in our heads – thinking, analyzing, problem solving, etc., and while all of these activities have value, they don’t give you the complete picture.  By feeling your body’s response to requests, people, situations, etc., you will get a more complete picture of what expands you and what drains you.

What drains your energy?  Toxic people, health issues, clutter, the inability to say “no”, inefficient work space, obligations, the weather, complainers or bad habits are just a few examples of what can drain you.  How can you tell what drains you?  Check in with your body.  Feeling tense, irritated, contracted, clenched, queasy or tired are a few of the feelings you might experience when something or someone drains your energy.

What might expand your energy?  Rest, beauty, good food, inspiring conversations, connecting with a good friend, gorgeous music or a relationship with the Divine are a few ideas to get you started.  How will you know if something or someone energizes you?  Check in with your body.  Smiles, a giggle, a deep, deep breath, a release of tension, lightness, or joy are a few of the indicators that more energy is coming your way.

Paying attention to and managing your energy is the most effective way to create balance, meaning and joy in your life.  Once you make it a priority to expand your energy every day you will feel like you can go on forever – just like the Grand Canyon!

I had been feeling deeply tired for several months.  A visit to my doctor revealed a few health issues (that I am taking care of now) but there was still a lingering sense of being worn out.  After some reflecting and getting curious about what might be wearing me down, I had a revelation.  I was tired of struggling.  More precisely, I was tired of struggling with self doubt.  I realized that I was always doubting something - was I making the right decisions, was I really helping my clients, was the content in my newsletters of value (was anyone even reading them), was I wearing the right outfit….doubt, doubt, doubt - it was my constant companion and I was tired of doing battle with it everyday.  I decided to take a sabbatical.

The definition of a sabbatical is ‘any extended period of leave from one’s customary work, especially for rest, to acquire new skills or to do research.’  What struck me in this definition were the words leave, rest and acquiring new skills.  I decided to take a leave from self doubt, give myself a rest and in the process maybe I would acquire some new skills.  Anytime I noticed doubts popping up (about anything) I would remind myself that I was on sabbatical and then turn my attention to being decisive, confident or to any other quality that the situation required.  My energy returned, and I actually got more done in less time.  You can waste so much time and energy struggling with issues that don’t support you!

Do you need a sabbatical?  Would an extended leave from your customary struggles revive your energy and give you a new perspective on how to proceed?  Most of us can’t take a physical leave from our everyday lives and I know the challenges that some of you are dealing with would never afford you the opportunity to actually take a leave.  Where this technique is so effective is in your thinking.  You CAN take a leave from negative thoughts, berating yourself, doubting yourself, not believing in yourself, worry about the future, worrying about the past, nagging or criticizing yourself…etc, etc, etc!  Consider giving yourself a break - a couple of weeks, a month, 6 months and I guarantee you’ll “return” feeling stronger, more energized and armed with some awesome new skills!

The other day I discovered a snap dragon.  What was amazing and delightful about this flower discovery was that it appeared in my driveway amongst a sea of gravel and of it’s own volition.  My first reaction was actually annoyance which then dissolved into laughter as I realized the irony of this flower appearing here.  You see, I had been trying for years to get flowers to grow in my yard but with no luck and now, here was this little snap dragon in the middle of nowhere!

Do you ever notice that when you are trying too hard, everything ends up being a struggle but as soon as you relax things seem to work out?  Where in your life are you struggling or feeling stuck?  Look around you and notice your surroundings.  Do your work, relationships, finances or physical environments support you in creating the life you want or are you struggling against your environments? For example, have you always wanted to own your own business but the people you spend your time with are only interested in being an employee?  It will be much harder for you to make the break and go out on your own when everyone around you is content to stay in their work situations.

My yard is a wild Manitoba woodland and the flowers I pictured in my mind will never grow there, no matter what I do.  I know that the environment will always win and as soon as you realize this in your life, the easier things will be for you.  You can either work with the environments you’ve got (work, relationships, etc.) or you can change your environments.  Either way, you will stop feeling exhausted, frustrated and drained because you have been trying too hard.  Then one day you’ll be surprised and delighted to find your own version of a snap dragon popping up in the most unexpected place!

Have you noticed that when young children try food they don’t like, they immediately spit it out?  As an adult, have you ever bit into something that just didn’t taste right or good?  You probably didn’t spit it out…you might have finished it in order to not embarrass your host or yourself or maybe you waited for a strategic moment when you could spit it into your napkin and hide it in your purse or pocket for disposal later.  This is just one small example of tolerating and as adults, most of us tolerate too much. 

A toleration is anything that you “put up with” - the things, people and situations that annoy you, frustrate you and drain your energy.  It can be as small as a broken handle on a drawer to as big as a fear that stops you from living a joyful life.   Once you become aware of what you are tolerating, you can then take action to eliminate your tolerations.  The more tolerations you eliminate, the more time and energy you will gain in return!  It’s amazing what can happen in your life when your energy isn’t being drained away like the air slowly leaking out of an inflated balloon. 

What are you putting up with?  What is draining your energy?  Are you ready to feel lighter?  Stop tolerating today! 

Joyfully,

Deb

P.S. If you are not sure what you are tolerating or if you are looking for some ideas on how to eliminate tolerations my Summer Sampler includes a sample called Stop Tolerating – Eliminate the Annoying Ingredients! There will be lots of juicy information to help you stop your energy leaks!  Check it out here:  http://www.getitdunn.ca/summersampler/

When I first started my coaching business, I had a very challenging client.  It didn’t matter what method or approach I tried, she remained stuck.  Finally I asked her a question that I had never thought to ask before - “Do you want to be happy?”  Her response…”I don’t know…”

As it turns out, this would not be the last time I heard this answer from a client.  It doesn’t surprise me anymore like it did the first time I heard “I don’t know” and I have almost come to expect this answer when I pose the ‘happy’ question.

Do you want to be happy?  If you’re not sure, that’s okay.  As odd as this may sound, it turns out that happiness can be kind of scary.  What is there to be scared about, you may be wondering?  Well, for many of you there is an idea that if you are happy, it won’t last so the fear is that your happiness will be taken away from you.  For others there is the idea that you can’t be happy because other people are struggling or coping with challenges so the fear is that you will upset other people by being happy. There is also the realization that you don’t know what happiness looks like or feels like for you and so you are afraid that you may never find what makes you truly happy.

These are such tender situations and the first thing to remember is to treat yourself gently when ever you are dealing with any fears.  The second thing to remember is that you don’t have to figure everything out all at once…you can take small steps towards happiness and before you know it, you will have developed the confidence and trust to live a truly happy and joyful life.  And if you would like some more tips and guidance to get you on the path to happiness, you might want to join me for my presentation called Lighten Up - Putting Joy Back in the Mix!  Whatever you choose to do, my heartfelt wish is that you be happy!

Low fat, fat free, decaf, low sodium, sugar free…we’ve taken most of the yummy ingredients out of our food and as a result we’ve lost some of the enjoyment of eating in my opinion.  This loss seems to be reflected in our lives as well – we’ve taken out the delicious parts because we don’t have time or energy to get all the “have tos” done never mind fitting in activities that we enjoy.

Do you find yourself racing from one thing to the next on your to do list?  Have you had the feeling like you are perpetually behind and will never catch up, never mind get ahead of the game!  I know I have found myself in this place more than once until one day it occurred to me that there had to be a better way to live.  Surely I wasn’t here just to exist , plow through the day and fall into bed exhausted only to get up and repeat the same pattern the next day, and the next day and the next day…

I remember very clearly thinking that I needed to make a change, that I needed to do something that had more meaning and joy. As I looked around the environment where I was working I knew that I had an uphill climb ahead of me!  I started with where I was and what I already had available to me and gradually, I was able to shift the to do list to something a lot more inspiring. 

Are you ready for a change?  I think it’s time to put joy back in the mix, it’s time for life to get yummy and delicious again.  What are you doing to make your life yummy?  Post your comments here so we can get a conversation of joy started! 

Joyfully,

Deb

 P.S.  If you are looking for some ideas and support for creating more meaning and joy you might want to check out my Summer Sampler – the first one is called Lighten Up and this sample will give you some tips and practical ways that you can get cookin’ with joy!  You will also learn a secret about joy that will surprise you! Check it out here:  http://www.getitdunn.ca/summersampler/